#LoveMe Challenge Day 12

Day 12: Share a Flaw

Before the Grand Give Away

Today's challenge reminds me of the importance of acknowledging your defects. This is very 

Al-anon'ish in my opinion. 

When It Comes Down To It

 Isn't that what is at the heart of steps 4 & 5. Coming to an acceptance of the things we have held onto that hold us back. Recognizing those parts of ourselves we deny so that we can hold everyone else accountable.

Well Now We Can

It took me quite a while to work through 4 &5. I really didn't want to admit I was the one with "shortcomings." That I could have played any role in all the things that were terrible in my life. It was much easier to blame everyone around me. Now that I know what they are, I can't ignore them, so maybe I should just snuggle up to them and accept them. They won't change any other way.

Words of Wisdom from My Sponsor

I love my sponsor. Really. Her perspective is most often very enlightening. She shared with me that she is not fond of the term "Character Defects" because not all of our "defects" are bad things. Fear can be good, it is meant to protect us from harm but when we become fearful and there is no harm evident fear is unhealthy. She refers to them as Character Excesses. All of our characteristics are meant to serve us well in some way but when we take them too far they become excesses. I might go a step further and say I am a character hoarder but…

On to Step 6

I am diligently working on understanding what it means to be READY to have God remove these defects/excesses for me. 

Drum Roll Please...

I have a long well documented list of those Character Excesses and a wittiness, but to keep things light hearted my big FLAW for the day is…

I AM FORGETFUL!

That's right folks, that's all you get. But you know what I can say that today without looking at the floor. Without lowering my voice or apologizing. I cannot do that yet with may of my other defects/excesses, so I'm taking it as a win. To day I am secure in that one flaw and that is a step forward.

Fear Factor

Still trucking away on my 4th step. 

When the prospect of this step was on the horizon I had no inkling that fear would be a part of my inventory nor would I have previously considered it an attributing factor in any significant way. Certainly, I had concerns, I had planned, I had made sure things were in order, I took the brunt so others would not have to. These were normal things a mother and wife did, right?

(The 4 M's: martyrdom, managing, manipulating, and mothering)

Within the last year I thought my "problem" was anger, hate. I figured after everything I had gone through that what I needed to get over was my hate for the disease my "Q" suffers from or, if truly honest, days where I needed to get over the anger that raged within toward my "Q".

While diving into this section of step four, what I realized is the source of those emotions is my fear. 

Fear of abandonment, fear of loosing control, fear of things that have happened - happening again. Fear of the unknown, I never did live in their heads. Fears that never were and may never be. Page after page of fear, maybe even more fears than resentments. I had fooled myself my whole life. I has justified all my actions, thoughts, emotions as a natural response to my surroundings when in actuality they were justifications for the fears I refused to acknowledge. 

It didn't even matter if the "issue" had or had not happened. In my head I had played out all the scenarios. The most logical or simplest answer must be the right one. I was indignant and would stop the chaos before it started. So than why would my life be so "unmanageable", why would the one fear that I feared most, the one fear I had played over in my mind a thousand times, the one I had planned against, why would that fear happen? Happened but I remained blind to it for so long. I'll tell you why, because the solution to that fear was incomprehensible and so I would choose denial over that fear.

Recently my "Q" shared a fear with me. On the eve of his 1yr sobriety birthday a fellow AA'r, whom my "Q" respected deeply, with many years of sobriety, also stood up to receive a chip. A white chip. A first day chip. He left that meeting with a realization of the risks and dangers that this disease carries with it. That relapse is always a possibility. For once I didn't have the answer. No words of wisdom or good natured encouragement.

 I can't speak for my "Q" but I didn't feel my usual since of fear. My mind didn't begin to seek for answers to prevent this possible outcome. I was not afraid. 

I spent my whole life in the battlefield of my own mind. I had become my only enemy. Facing my fears  is something of a different animal. It's the part of the journey that doesn't come with a manual. It's one more reason to go to my meetings and listen to others. It's a gift of Al-Anon

Thank you for letting me share, feel free to take what you like and leave the rest.

A Fearless And Searching Moral Inventory

Baby Steps

Beginning my 4th Step has been a slow process. Trepidation and reluctance to stay committed to processing through my inventory has been a trademark for the last two months. I relate to so many others' shares about being scared to unleash the depths of my deprivement as if I haven't already held myself hostage to a lifetime of shame and guilt, secrets and resentment. My sponcer gave me several suggested resources to begin the process, I spent hours searching the web for a "cheat sheet" of sorts. Simple to answer questions. As if doing an inventory of my life is simple or would have easy answers.

I Need This Tattooed On My Forehead

I am reminded of an Al-Anon slogan favoriate, Progress Not Perfection. I began with a notebook and pen trying to list all the people I held resentment toward and why. In a recent meeting, others shared how doing their 4th step reveled their part in whatever caused the resentments to begin with. I realized my notebook was becoming a place where I was simply reliving why I belived everyone else had done me wrong, only facilitating a victom mentality. I needed to try a differant way.

You Could Call Me A Slow Learner

I jumped into steps 1,2, & 3 headfirst. They seemed so natural and obvious. When step 4 rolled around I thought I would be able to just trudge on through with the same vigor. I began my notebook without hesitation, slowly loosing steam. Much like a new years resolution to loose wight. Buy the cloths, check, find a gym, check, some magazine articles that inspire, check. And by March, I'm warming my favorite spot on the couch again. I learn best when I can break things down, so I'm going to delve into what "Taking a fearless and searching moral inventory" means (for me).

 Fearless

Fearless is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fealess is having fears, but not being afraid to face them. The voice in your heart over powers what you want to think. (Don't hold the Talyor Swift quote against me, it fits). It’s the mastery of fear. The best way to defuse your fear is to step into it—right into the middle of it—and do the thing that you are afraid to do. To abandon your comfort zone and live with more doing rather than just being…this is the primitive basis for being fearless, to do. To…this is the primitive basis for being fearless.

Searching

Thoroughly scrutinizing, especially in a disconcerting way, 

"you have to ask yourselves some searching questions". Words to ponder when "searching" myself, penetrating, piercing, probing, penetrative, keen, shrewd, sharp, intent

Moral

Concerned with the principles of right and wrong behavior and the goodness or badness of human character. a lesson, especially one concerning what is right or prudent, that can be derived from a story, a piece of information, or an experience. Words to ponder when contemplating "moral", lesson, message, meaning, significance, signification, import, point, teaching.

Inventory

A supply of memories, thoughts, feelings that are stored in my minds memory, a complete list of the things that take up space in my heart and mind. A list of traits, preferences, attitudes, interests, or abilities used to evaluate personal characteristics or skills.

If I Hadn't Said Enough Already

Well if step four isn't simple enough to understand (remember, I am slow) than the words form Blue Print For Progress sums it up nicely. " Is a tool for personal growth. We can begin to grow with the courage to look at ourselves as we really are. Many of us have been so obsessed with the behavior of an alcoholic that we have little sense of self. We may have lost sight of our personal goals, no fulfilled our potential, and became too concerned with our attempts to change someone else. Often, our basic good qualities have been hidden by fears and frustrations." 

So, maybe I don't need to start over. Maybe what I really needed was to alter my perspective. to continue with a concentration of myself for a change instead of all the addicts that I have journeyed along with all these years. Back to my notebook I go, but with renewed dedication. Good luck and God bless to all embarking on this step. I'm going to remember I didn't get here overnight and I'm not going to change overnight either. I hope you take what you like and leave the rest.