Fear Factor

Still trucking away on my 4th step. 

When the prospect of this step was on the horizon I had no inkling that fear would be a part of my inventory nor would I have previously considered it an attributing factor in any significant way. Certainly, I had concerns, I had planned, I had made sure things were in order, I took the brunt so others would not have to. These were normal things a mother and wife did, right?

(The 4 M's: martyrdom, managing, manipulating, and mothering)

Within the last year I thought my "problem" was anger, hate. I figured after everything I had gone through that what I needed to get over was my hate for the disease my "Q" suffers from or, if truly honest, days where I needed to get over the anger that raged within toward my "Q".

While diving into this section of step four, what I realized is the source of those emotions is my fear. 

Fear of abandonment, fear of loosing control, fear of things that have happened - happening again. Fear of the unknown, I never did live in their heads. Fears that never were and may never be. Page after page of fear, maybe even more fears than resentments. I had fooled myself my whole life. I has justified all my actions, thoughts, emotions as a natural response to my surroundings when in actuality they were justifications for the fears I refused to acknowledge. 

It didn't even matter if the "issue" had or had not happened. In my head I had played out all the scenarios. The most logical or simplest answer must be the right one. I was indignant and would stop the chaos before it started. So than why would my life be so "unmanageable", why would the one fear that I feared most, the one fear I had played over in my mind a thousand times, the one I had planned against, why would that fear happen? Happened but I remained blind to it for so long. I'll tell you why, because the solution to that fear was incomprehensible and so I would choose denial over that fear.

Recently my "Q" shared a fear with me. On the eve of his 1yr sobriety birthday a fellow AA'r, whom my "Q" respected deeply, with many years of sobriety, also stood up to receive a chip. A white chip. A first day chip. He left that meeting with a realization of the risks and dangers that this disease carries with it. That relapse is always a possibility. For once I didn't have the answer. No words of wisdom or good natured encouragement.

 I can't speak for my "Q" but I didn't feel my usual since of fear. My mind didn't begin to seek for answers to prevent this possible outcome. I was not afraid. 

I spent my whole life in the battlefield of my own mind. I had become my only enemy. Facing my fears  is something of a different animal. It's the part of the journey that doesn't come with a manual. It's one more reason to go to my meetings and listen to others. It's a gift of Al-Anon

Thank you for letting me share, feel free to take what you like and leave the rest.

Spiritual Awakening

On The Road To Recovery

I love my Wednesday night meeting. It always gives me something to meditate on, or on occasion, an Ah-ha moment. In this group the first Wednesday of every month is a step study. It's December so you guessed it, step 12. Now I'm no where near my 12th step but I realized on the journey to recovery you sometimes pass check points on the way to your destination.

I Thought It Came From A Voice In The Sky

During the first few weeks attending meetings I would hear the phrase "spiritual awakening" when the steps were being read or when an 'ol timer' was sharing. It sounded a little twilight zone'y to me. Was my Higher Power supposed to call to me from the heavens. Months went by and nope, no voices, besides the usual committee in my head. 

I Came. I Came To. I Came To Believe.

One member shared a bookmark, it had the image of a butterfly in the various stages of formation with the above under each stage of development. It helped to remind her of the various spiritual awakenings she experienced over the years. "To Come" to a meeting may be someones first spiritual awakening, simply recognizing that something different is needed. I related to that and eventually I also "Came To". I Came to hear what others were sharing, I came to feel a part and not alone, I came to use the slogans in my day to day life.

It Isn't Even Something Noticed

 I realize that just in under a year of Al-Anon I have had several spiritual awakenings. Small gentle moments of realizing something about myself that I hadn't before. Because of these whispers that linger in my mind I have branched out in new ways. I have slowly let go of isolation, despite my fear. I have begun to better understand how and why I try to control and how not to. 

Courage To Change November 22

A few weeks back someone came up to me after a meeting and said, "I don't know if you realize it but I have noticed so much change in you since you began coming." My spiritual awakenings are much like the wanderings of a dream but the lasting impressions have made great change weather I am aware of them or not.

Fun Facts - Sound Very Al-Anon'ish

That list looks like the ideal and sounds a lot like the gifts of this program. I recognize that I do not carry these gifts with me everyday but I have also begun to see these gifts sporadically appear in my going on and am becoming grateful for the realization of spiritual awakenings in my life.

Thank you for letting me share, feel free to take what you like and leave the rest.