One Day At A Time…

I have a lot to be grateful for today.

What A Day...

 First as I was getting dressed this morning and looked out my window and noticed there were no leaves on the trees in my front yard. I thought, "now when did all the leaves fall off the trees. I missed it!"

Wait What's That? 

Just as quickly I began to think how much I dislike the bareness of winter UNTIL I saw this amazing huge red cardinal and realized winters not bare I just never looked hard enough to see the beauty.

Ooh crap, grateful no one was driving by 

Mind you all this happened in a second as I was ducking back because I realized I was in my birthday suit in front of my window.

Hallelujah

 Wouldn't you know it, the topic at kids church was about gratitude. They marched a few of us up there to say thank you- that made my heart sing. 

Out of nowhere, my daughters came in to say hi. Now that may not seem like much but "Q" & G were home with the flu and usually the girls look for any reason not to go to Church, but they came on there own accord. 

I Christmas'd It Up

After this blessed morning I was in such a good place I came home and Christmas'd up the house and you know what I enjoyed that too! Which is saying something for me. 

If I Could Bottle This For The Whole Season

I carried through my day with no expectations, just as we talked about this week. I also, somehow managed to stay in the day. Can you imagine it, when I work the program, IT WORKS. 

Whew, all that gratitude has me spent, guess I'll just have to sit back and enjoy the evening. 

Great Expectations

What A Title!

At no ones encouragement I signed the calender to lead a meeting discussion for the first time. I don't know what came over me a month or so ago when the calender was being passed around the room, but I saw the empty space and thought to myself at the time, "Oh that's the day before Thanksgiving, at least I won't have to think too hard on a topic." Well, as luck would have it the person holding the meeting the week before chose gratitude for the topic, so I would have to come up with another idea now wouldn't I.

Oh The Terror, My Anxiety Quadruples This Time Of Year.

I would have to guess that my Higher Power had a hand in this turn of events as well as the course of the week that followed that gratitude meeting. The usual holiday scheduling juggle began right on que. The invites to get togathers with friends, the calls from this parent and that, this grandparent and that, all wanting to be sure our family would be arriving at their event. I could already feel the anticipation of requited expectations building in my chest, BUT a small quiet voice reminded me, "Just for today." 

Who Knew Some Expectations Are Subconscious.

First on the docket was a gathering with friends, a "Friends-giving' if you would. I was actually looking forward to this one. It was in pot luck form, so I wouldn't have to make all the food for a change. I was with people who I have grown to feel safe around. First I signed up to bring cranberry sauce, than thought that's not enough so I'll bring carrots too. Having seen no one had signed up for pie I thought that wouldn't be too hard either. After several hours in the kitchen I was becoming tired and slightly resentful that I wasn't enjoying the process. My H.A.L.T. completely out of check, mind you.

Unbenounced to me, I was already becoming hostage to my own expectations, but it wouldn't end there.

The Eye Opener

Arriving at the party, I was in good spirits after rushing from point A to B to C. I was ready to have a jolly ol' time. But a familiar companion met me not long after arriving, Anxiety. I expected to sit and chat with the ladies, but I couldn't, I felt out of sorts and ill fitted at the table with them. I moved to the football cave with the fellas but the kids had overrun the room and it was loud and I couldn't find comfort there either. Soon I felt as I had felt for so many years with my family. I felt like I was in a battle field waiting for the bombs, the fights to brake out, the proverbial shoe to drop. I had lost my serenity (as if I had had it to begin with) and was relying on my old self.

One thing was different though, this time I realized it was not the people I was with; it was me.

The Light Bulb Turns On...

It was a reading in "Hope For Today" (Nov, 22) that helped me to see the light, only a day or so after the friend'giving. It was my expectations that were the reason for all my unrest, my disillusioned memories, my disappointed holidays as an adult. I was expecting the next one to be the Miricle on 34'th street but disappointed when I got the Griswold's Holiday Vacation instead. 

AND By Golly, I found my meeting topic. I shared, I read, than I asked; What tools can we use to not set ourselves up for sadness, anxiety, & resentment from our expectations during the holidays.

Making It Simple IS What Makes It Significant

 I learned leading a meeting isn't as scary as I had thought, in fact, I had the privilege to sit and listen. To gleam the experience from others in the room. One lady said she heard "Expectations are premeditated resentments", I would second that. Another shared how it took years of learning different ways to simplify her holidays to allow them to be hers and not everyone elses. The common thread seemed to be using slogans that reminded everyone, in there own way to Keep It Simple. It is in the simplicity that the day becomes significant, joyful, and expectant free.

Changing The Story

For Thanksgiving I did a 180. I let my folks know I would not be making it for the big dinner, but I would be happy to have a quiet breakfast with them. My daughters made plans of their own and I let go of trying to make everyone spend time together. My husband, son, and I had a lovely evening with his mother, simple, and memorable. I can honestly say I enjoyed this holiday and if I keep to my program, I pray to enjoy many more.

Take what you like and leave the rest. Thank you for letting me share.

An Attitude Of Gratitude

Well I Think You Might Be Right

 Yesterdays Al Anon meeting topic was having an attitude of gratitude. The last few weeks has certainly been a lesson of gratitude that has been long overdue for me.

 I grew up in many homes, most affected by different forms of addiction, including alcoholism. One particular theme that imperviated all of them was an attitude of negativity. One family member often said, "If you always assume the worst than you will never be disappointed." I never realized how greatly I had taken that to heart and accepted it as truth. I never realized how it had affected me until I came to this program.

Perception: Young Girl Or Old Lady

It had become second nature for me to see all the hurts, resentments, and pain, to see them and only them. I couldn't see the positive in a single day. Days pass and my focus was on the repeating type playing over and over in my head. Never having my head where my feet were.

 I had begun to have clearer days after beginning Al Anon and then I fell off my program wagon and got ran over by it. Reverting into old habits of seeing the negative of the past or the potential for pain in the future.  I could only see the ugly old women, no amount of focus revealed the pretty young girl.

"Seek & You Shall Find" Matthew 7:7

After beginning this program I tried to write gratitude journals. I began with 10 things I was grateful for each day but became frustrated and quit. I tried again with 5 but it became routine and I simply wrote things I knew I should be grateful for but there was no heart behind it, so once again I quit. 

I took my struggle to my sponsor, I shared how hard it had become to simply stop looking at the negative. Sharing her hope and experience was reassuring. I realized I had resorted to living in my head and not in the present day. She challenged me to try to stay in the present and at the end of the day to email her just one thing I had been truly grateful for. I figured that was something I could do "just for today" and I tried. I was amazed. As my head began to wonder I reminded myself to keep looking and come back to the present moment. By the end of the day I had one thing I was truly grateful for. That was two weeks ago. I am proud to say that I have been able to find at least one thing each day since, and more on other days, even the not so good ones.

"My Perception Of Life Can Determine How I See My Situation"  As We Understood

 The questions posed at the meeting was, " How has you attitude of gratitude changed your life? How might it? I can honestly say that the above statement it true. As I changed how I focused my day's and how I look at things the things I look at are changing. I had found it difficult to see my "Q" as a person with a disease. Just in the last few weeks as I focus on his strengths or the positive moments we share together, I am less focused on the shortcomings, the disease, the history, or the future. I have enjoyed more days in the last few weeks then I can remember in the past few years. I never would have thought "One Day At A Time" or for me "One Moment At A Time", would require so much focus. Some days it feels like work. For me it has been the kind of work that truly pays off. 

Thank you for letting me share, feel free to take what you like and leave the rest.

The Definition Of Sanity

It Went That Way >>>

The topic for my Wednesday night Alanon group was, "How do you define sanity." It was exceptionally interesting that everyone in our break out group had unanimously agreed that we were all very aware of our individual definitions of insanity. Only one in our group had enough program  under their belt to have some forethought about what "sanity" meant for them. Their insight on how they reclaimed "sanity" was helpful. This person had found things they enjoyed that were only for themselves, things that provided gratitude for their soul and helped to cleanse their thinking.

Yet the definition still eluded everyone.

Ahhhhh!

My perfection kicked into overdrive and I dived into the depths of the web. Reading Al-Anon Forum posts, trying to take what others had determined as their definition and make it my own. I realized this was something I have done in all areas of my life. I remember not being allowed to have a voice of my own or an opinion that was accepted. I came to believe that what others said or thought was the truth and I could just pick and choose which of those I wanted to accept as truth. The idea that I could form my very own definition seemed overly daunting, I wan't even sure where to begin.

~And I Can Change It Whenever I want~

After reflecting on this a day or two and feeling defeated because I had not come up with the answer myself, I happened across my entry from my Steps notebook, where I was answering this very question from step 2. My original, not intently thought through, definition was:

Being rational, being able to anticipate & judge the effects of my actions. Having healthy mind and outlook. Not feeling plagued by turmoil and tumultuous times. Having a knowing of who I am, what I want, and boundaries that I can live by that allow me to feel free.

This Is Unacceptable

I know something now that I did not know when I was doing my 2nd step. I no longer simply have to cope with insane conditions. I have choices. I can choose to create or to participate in the insanity or not to. I can choose how I process the insanity around me, I can continue to do what I've always done and try to control it or I can remove my self from it in a way that shows myself care and love.

For now I will accept my original definition but I know that this program is a journey and as I further discover myself so my definition will change with me. Thank you for allowing me to share. Feel free to take what you like and leave the rest.

A Fearless And Searching Moral Inventory

Baby Steps

Beginning my 4th Step has been a slow process. Trepidation and reluctance to stay committed to processing through my inventory has been a trademark for the last two months. I relate to so many others' shares about being scared to unleash the depths of my deprivement as if I haven't already held myself hostage to a lifetime of shame and guilt, secrets and resentment. My sponcer gave me several suggested resources to begin the process, I spent hours searching the web for a "cheat sheet" of sorts. Simple to answer questions. As if doing an inventory of my life is simple or would have easy answers.

I Need This Tattooed On My Forehead

I am reminded of an Al-Anon slogan favoriate, Progress Not Perfection. I began with a notebook and pen trying to list all the people I held resentment toward and why. In a recent meeting, others shared how doing their 4th step reveled their part in whatever caused the resentments to begin with. I realized my notebook was becoming a place where I was simply reliving why I belived everyone else had done me wrong, only facilitating a victom mentality. I needed to try a differant way.

You Could Call Me A Slow Learner

I jumped into steps 1,2, & 3 headfirst. They seemed so natural and obvious. When step 4 rolled around I thought I would be able to just trudge on through with the same vigor. I began my notebook without hesitation, slowly loosing steam. Much like a new years resolution to loose wight. Buy the cloths, check, find a gym, check, some magazine articles that inspire, check. And by March, I'm warming my favorite spot on the couch again. I learn best when I can break things down, so I'm going to delve into what "Taking a fearless and searching moral inventory" means (for me).

 Fearless

Fearless is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fealess is having fears, but not being afraid to face them. The voice in your heart over powers what you want to think. (Don't hold the Talyor Swift quote against me, it fits). It’s the mastery of fear. The best way to defuse your fear is to step into it—right into the middle of it—and do the thing that you are afraid to do. To abandon your comfort zone and live with more doing rather than just being…this is the primitive basis for being fearless, to do. To…this is the primitive basis for being fearless.

Searching

Thoroughly scrutinizing, especially in a disconcerting way, 

"you have to ask yourselves some searching questions". Words to ponder when "searching" myself, penetrating, piercing, probing, penetrative, keen, shrewd, sharp, intent

Moral

Concerned with the principles of right and wrong behavior and the goodness or badness of human character. a lesson, especially one concerning what is right or prudent, that can be derived from a story, a piece of information, or an experience. Words to ponder when contemplating "moral", lesson, message, meaning, significance, signification, import, point, teaching.

Inventory

A supply of memories, thoughts, feelings that are stored in my minds memory, a complete list of the things that take up space in my heart and mind. A list of traits, preferences, attitudes, interests, or abilities used to evaluate personal characteristics or skills.

If I Hadn't Said Enough Already

Well if step four isn't simple enough to understand (remember, I am slow) than the words form Blue Print For Progress sums it up nicely. " Is a tool for personal growth. We can begin to grow with the courage to look at ourselves as we really are. Many of us have been so obsessed with the behavior of an alcoholic that we have little sense of self. We may have lost sight of our personal goals, no fulfilled our potential, and became too concerned with our attempts to change someone else. Often, our basic good qualities have been hidden by fears and frustrations." 

So, maybe I don't need to start over. Maybe what I really needed was to alter my perspective. to continue with a concentration of myself for a change instead of all the addicts that I have journeyed along with all these years. Back to my notebook I go, but with renewed dedication. Good luck and God bless to all embarking on this step. I'm going to remember I didn't get here overnight and I'm not going to change overnight either. I hope you take what you like and leave the rest.