#LoveMe Challenge Day 16

Day 16: Something You Like About Yourself

Wait for it, Waaait.

This is differently going to take longer than 28 days.

And these questions are getting more difficult, well, for me anyway.

Sure there are nice things about myself, but what do I like about myself?

I googled what other people liked about themselves. 

I found lists of over 100 things that individuals had written about themselves. WOW!

Yep, I said it.

That's okay. I found one thing I like about myself and I'm going to start there.

I am creative!

And, according to Henri Matisse that means I am also curious, flexible, persistent, independent, spirited, adventurous. I'm cool with that.

I'd love to hear what you like about yourselves.

#LoveMe Challenge Day 15

Day 15:

Something You Have Done Right

Al-Anon

Something I have done right, huh?

While my Qualifier was away at Rehab, my life appeared to me in shambles, in the utter depths of depression, one of the councilors during a phone meeting asked if I had started to attend Al-anon yet. 

"No, I've never heard of that, plus I'm already seeing a shrink,

I don't know if I can afford yet another program (heavy sarcasm)."

I didn't want to shower, so I didn't. 

I didn't want to go 45 minutes across town, but I did.

It was one of the few things I will give myself credit for doing right, begrudgingly but right.

This Looks Familiar

Isn't it funny how a comic strip from the 60's & 70's can still relate to us today?

I found a whole slew of them while searching the Inter-Web, and I was surprised how many of them I had done myself. This isn't our grandparents "disease"ya know. It is very current and I, as so many others, behaved toward it in the same way regardless of the times.

This Looks Familiar Too

Only a year plus in the program and my life is starting to feel a little more like this. 

If someone were to ask me point blank how has your life really changed, I'd probably reply that I'm not sure. But when I read my literature or come across aged comic strips I can say, hey that kinda is what I would do. Hindsight always being 20/20 n' such.

Now I'm currently fortunate that my Qualifier is also a year plus sober but I know this program is one day at a time and that this disease is cunning and baffling. That his condition is teetering on a precipice of sorts but it is no longer my responsibility to be sure it doesn't tip. 

So, yep, stepping through the doors of Al-anon was definitely

the right thing.

#LoveMe Challenge Day 14

Day 14: Name a fear that you have overcome?

It has been a couple days since I've posted, ya' know why?  Cause I've been struggling with this question. I keep trying to come up with a fear I've overcome. I thought "certainly there has to be one. I can't post till I figure it out!"

I think I've become complacent in my fear. I have at some level accepted it as an unchangable truth. That old slogan fits FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real, seems to have slipped back in. For now I can't think of a single one. But I'm not going to dwell on it as a shortcoming but as room for improvement. 

Here's that darned change in perception thing again! I think I even see a little "one day at a time." 

#LoveMe Challenge Day 13

Day 13: Share A Quote

Hard to Forget

I can't explain it, but in my darkest day's, when I was crying out and felt most alone, this verse came into my mind. I have never memorized scripture or been one to quote from the bible. This verse, however, brought me comfort when I had none. First I concentrated on the be still. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. 

To Stop. To Wait. To Not Act.

Al-anon has helped with the Know that I am God part. Sometimes, often times, I have to be reminded to Be Still.

#LoveMe Challenge Day 12

Day 12: Share a Flaw

Before the Grand Give Away

Today's challenge reminds me of the importance of acknowledging your defects. This is very 

Al-anon'ish in my opinion. 

When It Comes Down To It

 Isn't that what is at the heart of steps 4 & 5. Coming to an acceptance of the things we have held onto that hold us back. Recognizing those parts of ourselves we deny so that we can hold everyone else accountable.

Well Now We Can

It took me quite a while to work through 4 &5. I really didn't want to admit I was the one with "shortcomings." That I could have played any role in all the things that were terrible in my life. It was much easier to blame everyone around me. Now that I know what they are, I can't ignore them, so maybe I should just snuggle up to them and accept them. They won't change any other way.

Words of Wisdom from My Sponsor

I love my sponsor. Really. Her perspective is most often very enlightening. She shared with me that she is not fond of the term "Character Defects" because not all of our "defects" are bad things. Fear can be good, it is meant to protect us from harm but when we become fearful and there is no harm evident fear is unhealthy. She refers to them as Character Excesses. All of our characteristics are meant to serve us well in some way but when we take them too far they become excesses. I might go a step further and say I am a character hoarder but…

On to Step 6

I am diligently working on understanding what it means to be READY to have God remove these defects/excesses for me. 

Drum Roll Please...

I have a long well documented list of those Character Excesses and a wittiness, but to keep things light hearted my big FLAW for the day is…

I AM FORGETFUL!

That's right folks, that's all you get. But you know what I can say that today without looking at the floor. Without lowering my voice or apologizing. I cannot do that yet with may of my other defects/excesses, so I'm taking it as a win. To day I am secure in that one flaw and that is a step forward.

#LoveMe Challenge Day 11

Day 11: Share A Smile

Really Dude?

Have you ever seen someone, like this guy, smiling and thought, "Really?"

Who just walks around with a S*&% eating grin on there face all day. You cannot possibly be that happy, your a big phony!

My usual thought when I see someone smiling for no apparent reason...

Al-anon has taught me I am comparing my insides to someone else's outsides. That our perceptions creates our reality. I have spent decades with an unhealthy negative perception that had been handed down through the generations. A negativity that says if your happy you must be hiding something. If your smiling you are clearly not in touch with reality. If your joyous, I'll give you a dose of medicine that will wipe that smile right off your face. Smiles are for holiday photos and secret shared moments.

Al-anon says change your perspective

So Day 11… Change my perspective. Try a smile. Not the phony, vacation/holiday picture kind of smile. The real, smile with your eyes kinda smile. The kind you smile as a child when you don't know any different. The kind of smile that is infectious. 

You said it Annie

Today is actually a good day for this challenge. I woke in a silly mood. I was smiling before my eyes were fully open, and I'm still not out of my PJ's yet. 

Not this kinda smile

Yep that's me, but from one of my phony vacation pictures

"They" say I smile with my eyes

 So the trick is to smile with authenticity. The kind of smile where my eyes light up. I'm gonna carry it to the grocery store, the drug store, the usual mundane rigmarole, let's see if I can remain in me without comparing my self to others. Thanks for being my first smile of the day.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

#LoveMe Challange Day 10

Day 10: Share A Secret

There was this one time at band camp...

Okay, okay. Not really. I couldn't help myself.  

My real secret is…

I love my Dog!

OMG I can't believe I told you that. You have to swear not to tell a soul.

In't he cute

Now that my not be much of a secret to most people but it really is a secret of mine. I am not in any fashion an animal person. I have never swoon over puppies or kittens. I don't flinch at those dopey sad eyed commercials where the animals are injured and in deep need of medical care. I didn't even cry when ol' yeller died. Cross my heart. In fact it is so well known that I don't have a soft spot for animals that my neighbors and friends joke about it regularly. So when no one is looking, not even my own family. I curl up on the couch with my dog. I sneak him treats. I even let him nap with me if no one is home to witness. Why on earth would I hid this? You got me. 

#LoveMe Challenge Day 9

Day 9: Share Something Beautiful

Be Always Blooming

The scene this spring on my back patio. 

For me, nothing touches my heart, appears more beautiful, and brings me constant reminders of Higher Powers presence than those things in nature. Flowers are an instant reminder. 

#LoveMe Challenge Day 8

Day 8: Share A Scar

The most painful ones rarely are.

Yes I have plenty of scars.

 They are not me, they do not define me. 

Is is not the scars that have had the biggest impact on me. 

My deepest scars cannot be seen.

Al-Anon has taught me this truth.

 Many of my scares were inflected by the ones I love and some I have exacted myself, 

but they are only reminders. 

They are not today.

Al-Anon is beginning to show me that I am not my past, but I do have to confront it.

By working the steps with a sponsor I am able to heal many of my deepest scars.

They will never leave me completely but they will heal.

"And to carry this message to others"

This is why I believe Al-Anon calls us into service. Whether it is sharing at meetings, leading a topic discussion, going to a group conscious meeting, or sponsoring a newcomer.

Many of our scars are the same. They may not be the same shape or in the same place but the pain that caused the scar is the same.

#LoveMe Challenge Day 7

Day 7: One thing that is just for you

Thank You Ms. Marie Antoinette

Eating dessert in bed! 

I love to cuddle in on a good night and any sweet thing and savor the delicate flavor of a treat. It really is just for me. No kids to say, "can I have a bite." No distractions or disturbances. No it is not a regular habit, but when I do, I thoroughly enjoy every moment. 

Yes, Yes I will

What is one thing that is just for you?

#LoveMe Challenge Day 6

Day 6...

Dear future me, 

Can you believe you are where you are? I pray it is a peaceful serene place. I pray you have learned enough life lessons to know who you are and that you are steadfast there. Don't look too far back or too far forward. Remember how dizzying that can be, it's like spiritual vertigo with no way to find balance? I hope you have learned how to stay in the now, if not keep trying, the times when you have we're some of your fondest memories. No matter what has occurred over the years I am proud of you and I believe in you. 

#Loveme Challenge Day 5

Day 5 Write A Note To Your Past You

"Dear Amazing Girl,

You may have forgotten some things along the way, but that doesn't mean it's all over. There is so much time left, today is a brand new day, to begin your brand new life. You may have just forgotten just how strong you are. You may have forgotten you had dreams once that were real and compelling… and even though they didn't come true right when you thought they would… it doesn't mean that those dreams weren't real or that they didn't matter. Sometimes we just don't have the timing quite right… and sometimes our dreams come true in ways that are different then what we thought they would be.

You are still in there dear girl. You may be covered up with painful memories or experiences, but you are still in there. You are worth rescuing out of the heaps of confusion, apathy, and disillusionment.  You are worth rescuing yourself and all that you are, all that you always were, and all that you are meant to become. 

The first thing you have to do is decide, though. It might be a long road ahead but it might be shorter than you thought it would be too. Today would be a great day to decide that no matter how long the road is… you are going to come home to yourself and live the happy life that is meant for you. No one else can decide this for you. Please, please, please do it sweet friend. Today is a great day to decide.

You are so very loved

xoxo."  

thebravegirlsclub.com

#LoveMe Challenge Day 4

Day4: Someone who loves me. 

I know undoubtedly that I am loved by my children. Not always liked, but defiantly loved. 

#Loveme Challenge Day 3

A word that describes me. 

#LoveMe Challenge Day 2

Day 2: A Picture of Me

Tradition 12

“Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.” 

So you don't get a full shot, but I do love this picture!

Love Myself?

Not An Al-Anon Slogan But Maybe It Should Be.

Have you ever noticed when things seem upside down people always tell you to "take care of yourself." 

As if. A person who is always taking care of other people (like myself), rarely know how to take care of themselves. I would ponder, google, and ask, what does it mean to take care of yourself. I always got the same answers, do the things you love, eat, exercise, get enough sleep. 

Well, I can eat like it's nobodies business, I don't sweat, and I sleep like the dead.

But I don't know what I love. How are you supposed to know that?

The Antithesis of What I Learned Growing Up

Somehow I walked into adulthood with this thought. 

That people who loved themselves were conceded, vain, selfish, and self serving.

 I thought that humble people loved others more than themselves and put themselves last. 

Insert Step 2: A Power Greater Than Ourselves Could Restore (Bring) Us To Sanity

One of the great things about this program is that old dogs can learn new tricks, thanks to giving over to a high power.

"Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do" -- Ricky Ricardo

Don't you know it's when you think you might skip a meeting but you go anyway, that is just the meeting you needed to go to. 

The meeting topic was: How to love myself.

I'd been asking that question for years. It was one of those group shares that sets a gradient in the room from newcomer to old timer. As each person answered there experience, strength, and hope gave away their time and strength in their personal program. Those with longstanding strong programs seemed to reveal with such grace how learning to love themselves in their own way was pivotal to the peace they continue to feel each and everyday. That the love for themselves is where all else flows.

Mark 21:31 Love your neighbor as yourself.

I had even used Mark 21:31 as my reasoning for having to care for everyone else first. I had heard my Grandmother use it whenever I wanted to speak up for myself, if I didn't give in than I wasn't loving of others. The funny thing is I never took time to really read it.
 It specifically says "as yourself".  If I loved others as myself I would have some very hurt and angry people on my hands. I don't intentionally insult other peoples looks or efforts but I certainly do that to myself. I don't ignore what they are trying to say to me or disregard their feelings but I do that to myself. I don't push them to exceed their abilities or even attempt things they are not remotely interested in yet I do that to myself daily.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

In order to live within addiction and alcoholism  I had build walls. Lots and lots of walls. Walls against others, that I had known for years. Those walls were intentional and I had believed necessary. But walls against myself? That was an unintentional byproduct and I was behaving as a by standard. 

Step 4 was a long and arduous process for me. I even procrastinated my step 5 I did not want to admit my part in any of it. It was easier to say it was all "their fault." They didn't love me, They hurt me, They, They, They.

But what about me?

I haven't loved myself, I continue to hurt myself with my choices and thoughts. If I want to be loved I need to stop seeking it from others. They can only love their neighbors as they love themselves, and I have to stop comparing their outsides with my insides. 

Well That Says It All

Learning to love myself is one of those things that you jump into having no idea where to begin. Much like waking up and deciding, "today I'm going to become an Olympic curling champion." Where on earth would I begin. How does one even become a Curler? Is there a club? Can you get a starter kit at Wal-mart or join a forum online? Do they offer curling retreats?

Well working the steps have shined a light and going to meetings have pointed a way.

Start at the beginning.

I can't love myself until I know myself. I'm starting to get to know myself and I'm looking toward my Higher Power for direction on where to go form here.

"But I'm Not Myself Your See" -- Alice In Wonderland

Well working the steps have shined a light and going to meetings have pointed a way.

Start at the beginning.

I can't love myself until I know myself. I'm starting to get to know myself and I'm looking toward my Higher Power for direction on where to go form here.

I, like so many in Al-Anon, have lost an understanding of what I like.

I may have to try things and decipher for myself weather I enjoy it or not.

I recently tried a women's fitness group, a gym, and a yoga class.

I learned I don't enjoy exercise in the shape of grunting and sweating but I did enjoy the yoga class.

Check

One thing I know I like and enjoy.

So, I'll keep asking myself: "Does this strike my heart in a positive way?"

If I can find joy in the thing's I do then perhaps I can learn what I love and in return I can treat myself with love.

Isn't This The Same Advice That I Didn't Get In The First Place?

Well, yes it is. But the advice isn't bad it's just without direction. Al-Anon has given me direction.

Loving myself isn't Egoism as I had thought before. It is having respect for myself. Having an understanding of myself. Being accepting of myself. Protecting myself in a healthy manor.

It is not automatic, it will have to be learned. And, well, I am not a fast learner. So I'll have to take it one day at a time. I will have to let go of my perfectionism. I will have to try things that have nothing to do with other people and decifer for myself it they are good for me or not. Than perhaps, I will begin to love myself.

In search of direction.

When you don't know which way to go, ask for directions.

I found this little gem on Pintrest, and I thought well that seems like a good place to start. Why not?

One a day, One day at a time.

Some are easy enough and some appear challanging but a girl has to begin somewhere right?

Feel free to join me, comment or not.

Let's see if we find a few things we love about ourselves.

Well now you know why I'm doing the challenge, to check off #1.

Who Thunk It

I have no problem doleing out complments to others. But when someone says something nice to me, I'm quick with a quibb or come back to dismiss the compliment. I'm thinking the first person I need to take a compliment from is me.

So again one a day, one day at a time, I am going to write these on my bathroom mirror and say them to myself. 

I can't change my internal dialog until I begin with a new script.

It's Time To Dive

I have never gone scuba diving. I tried snorkling twice and was scared straight out of the water both times. What I saw was certinally beautiful, majestic even, but as soon as I saw a shark or barracuda, boom, I was outta' there. I am certin if I had overcome my fear I would have see things most people never see. 

As I dive into myself, I should try to remeber that there are scary things under the surface but if I trust my High Power and stay in the water, I will be exposed to some pretty majestic stuff.

And, perhaps, in the end I will dance with my soul. I will find the joy, peace, and serinity that this program promises. I won't be concerned with others because I have plenty coming from myself. Those are my hopes.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

New Year's Restatutions

Prologue From Chapter 1

One year ago last night I made the biggest mistake of my life. 

It was a product of reacting to the unmanageable chaos of addiction that I had spent years denying but had become so apparent that my world appeared to be spiraling out of control at a velocity that felt like the speed of light. 

One year ago this coming week I took my first steps through the door's of Al-Anon. 

I was at my most broken. Shame, pain, guilt, anger, negativity and severe depression were my companions. I saw no future where they were not both symbiotic and parasitic to my existence. I came to the rooms of Al-Anon because of a suggestion, I stayed, at first, because I didn't know what else to do. I certainly did NOT see ever "getting over" that state, I believed I would carry that pain for a lifetime.

Amen

Today I can see the rainbow. I can look back at the first 3-6 months of rain and see the dark clouds slowly moving into the distance of the horizon. I can slowly see how the sun began to emerge. And, now, thanks to Al-Anon I can see the rainbow. Will there be more storms? Most defiantly. Will I be ready for them? Probably not. Will I know they will pass? I do now.

I heard someone last night say they were truly grateful for the Alcoholics in their life.

What a statement.

But if God had not brought on the rain I would have remained forever in the dysfunction of my own mind. I would never have seen another way. My life would have remained ignorantly unmanageable.

Finding Land

Have you ever witnessed the rage of a storm over the sea? The darkness of the sky obliterates any recognition of where it meets the ocean. The waves crashing with apparently no reason or rhythm. The wind relentless and unforgiving. Yet, when the storm has calmed, the vast ocean has found a way to clean herself out. Everything unwanted is left on the shore. The rhythm of the waves return and the light breeze becomes it's renewing source.-

Random known fact: Columbus didn't discover North America. Some rouge Greenlander's did quite a few years before. These fellows were caught in a terrible storm that seemed to take them off course but instead landed them in a whole new world.

Keeping Up The Gratitude

"Every Experience, No Matter How Bad It Seems, Holds Within It A Blessing Of Some Kind. The Goal Is To Find It."---- Buddha

For me this last year was the devastating and cleansing storm. A storm I can say that I am grateful for. A storm that brought to the surface all the things that had been hiding and unwanted underneath. 

Last night's meeting topic was Gratitude. Looking over the year that was, what we have learned, how we have changed. If I had been asked that any sooner I may not have been able to find the good. My God has helped me to see just how precious this program has been. How important relationships are through meetings and my sponsor. How worthy of love I am by the freedom to speak and not be judged, to share and not be condemned. To make mistakes and be allowed to learn from them on my own. To be encouraged to learn who I am and to be okay that I am a slow learner.

One Day At A time

 Now, I see the land ahead. I pray it is not my "homeland" but a new land. Unknown and waiting to be discovered. Unlike the Greenlanders' I will continue on in this new place and God willing will not return from whence I came. 

But I have also learned to take this adventure "Just For Today"& "Easy Does It". 

Thank you for letting me share. Feel free to take what you like and leave the rest.