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| Not An Al-Anon Slogan But Maybe It Should Be. |
Have you ever noticed when things seem upside down people always tell you to "take care of yourself."
As if. A person who is always taking care of other people (like myself), rarely know how to take care of themselves. I would ponder, google, and ask, what does it mean to take care of yourself. I always got the same answers, do the things you love, eat, exercise, get enough sleep.
Well, I can eat like it's nobodies business, I don't sweat, and I sleep like the dead.
But I don't know what I love. How are you supposed to know that?
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| The Antithesis of What I Learned Growing Up |
Somehow I walked into adulthood with this thought.
That people who loved themselves were conceded, vain, selfish, and self serving.
I thought that humble people loved others more than themselves and put themselves last.
Insert Step 2: A Power Greater Than Ourselves Could Restore (Bring) Us To Sanity
One of the great things about this program is that old dogs can learn new tricks, thanks to giving over to a high power.
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| "Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do" -- Ricky Ricardo |
Don't you know it's when you think you might skip a meeting but you go anyway, that is just the meeting you needed to go to.
The meeting topic was: How to love myself.
I'd been asking that question for years. It was one of those group shares that sets a gradient in the room from newcomer to old timer. As each person answered there experience, strength, and hope gave away their time and strength in their personal program. Those with longstanding strong programs seemed to reveal with such grace how learning to love themselves in their own way was pivotal to the peace they continue to feel each and everyday. That the love for themselves is where all else flows.
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| Mark 21:31 Love your neighbor as yourself. |
I had even used Mark 21:31 as my reasoning for having to care for everyone else first. I had heard my Grandmother use it whenever I wanted to speak up for myself, if I didn't give in than I wasn't loving of others. The funny thing is I never took time to really read it.
It specifically says "as yourself". If I loved others as myself I would have some very hurt and angry people on my hands. I don't intentionally insult other peoples looks or efforts but I certainly do that to myself. I don't ignore what they are trying to say to me or disregard their feelings but I do that to myself. I don't push them to exceed their abilities or even attempt things they are not remotely interested in yet I do that to myself daily.
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| “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” |
In order to live within addiction and alcoholism I had build walls. Lots and lots of walls. Walls against others, that I had known for years. Those walls were intentional and I had believed necessary. But walls against myself? That was an unintentional byproduct and I was behaving as a by standard.
Step 4 was a long and arduous process for me. I even procrastinated my step 5 I did not want to admit my part in any of it. It was easier to say it was all "their fault." They didn't love me, They hurt me, They, They, They.
But what about me?
I haven't loved myself, I continue to hurt myself with my choices and thoughts. If I want to be loved I need to stop seeking it from others. They can only love their neighbors as they love themselves, and I have to stop comparing their outsides with my insides.
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| Well That Says It All |
Learning to love myself is one of those things that you jump into having no idea where to begin. Much like waking up and deciding, "today I'm going to become an Olympic curling champion." Where on earth would I begin. How does one even become a Curler? Is there a club? Can you get a starter kit at Wal-mart or join a forum online? Do they offer curling retreats?
Well working the steps have shined a light and going to meetings have pointed a way.
Start at the beginning.
I can't love myself until I know myself. I'm starting to get to know myself and I'm looking toward my Higher Power for direction on where to go form here.
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| "But I'm Not Myself Your See" -- Alice In Wonderland |
Well working the steps have shined a light and going to meetings have pointed a way.
Start at the beginning.
I can't love myself until I know myself. I'm starting to get to know myself and I'm looking toward my Higher Power for direction on where to go form here.
I, like so many in Al-Anon, have lost an understanding of what I like.
I may have to try things and decipher for myself weather I enjoy it or not.
I recently tried a women's fitness group, a gym, and a yoga class.
I learned I don't enjoy exercise in the shape of grunting and sweating but I did enjoy the yoga class.
Check
One thing I know I like and enjoy.
So, I'll keep asking myself: "Does this strike my heart in a positive way?"
If I can find joy in the thing's I do then perhaps I can learn what I love and in return I can treat myself with love.
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| Isn't This The Same Advice That I Didn't Get In The First Place? |
Well, yes it is. But the advice isn't bad it's just without direction. Al-Anon has given me direction.
Loving myself isn't Egoism as I had thought before. It is having respect for myself. Having an understanding of myself. Being accepting of myself. Protecting myself in a healthy manor.
It is not automatic, it will have to be learned. And, well, I am not a fast learner. So I'll have to take it one day at a time. I will have to let go of my perfectionism. I will have to try things that have nothing to do with other people and decifer for myself it they are good for me or not. Than perhaps, I will begin to love myself.
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| In search of direction. |
When you don't know which way to go, ask for directions.
I found this little gem on Pintrest, and I thought well that seems like a good place to start. Why not?
One a day, One day at a time.
Some are easy enough and some appear challanging but a girl has to begin somewhere right?
Feel free to join me, comment or not.
Let's see if we find a few things we love about ourselves.
Well now you know why I'm doing the challenge, to check off #1.
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| Who Thunk It |
I have no problem doleing out complments to others. But when someone says something nice to me, I'm quick with a quibb or come back to dismiss the compliment. I'm thinking the first person I need to take a compliment from is me.
So again one a day, one day at a time, I am going to write these on my bathroom mirror and say them to myself.
I can't change my internal dialog until I begin with a new script.
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| It's Time To Dive |
I have never gone scuba diving. I tried snorkling twice and was scared straight out of the water both times. What I saw was certinally beautiful, majestic even, but as soon as I saw a shark or barracuda, boom, I was outta' there. I am certin if I had overcome my fear I would have see things most people never see.
As I dive into myself, I should try to remeber that there are scary things under the surface but if I trust my High Power and stay in the water, I will be exposed to some pretty majestic stuff.
And, perhaps, in the end I will dance with my soul. I will find the joy, peace, and serinity that this program promises. I won't be concerned with others because I have plenty coming from myself. Those are my hopes.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
