A Fearless And Searching Moral Inventory

Baby Steps

Beginning my 4th Step has been a slow process. Trepidation and reluctance to stay committed to processing through my inventory has been a trademark for the last two months. I relate to so many others' shares about being scared to unleash the depths of my deprivement as if I haven't already held myself hostage to a lifetime of shame and guilt, secrets and resentment. My sponcer gave me several suggested resources to begin the process, I spent hours searching the web for a "cheat sheet" of sorts. Simple to answer questions. As if doing an inventory of my life is simple or would have easy answers.

I Need This Tattooed On My Forehead

I am reminded of an Al-Anon slogan favoriate, Progress Not Perfection. I began with a notebook and pen trying to list all the people I held resentment toward and why. In a recent meeting, others shared how doing their 4th step reveled their part in whatever caused the resentments to begin with. I realized my notebook was becoming a place where I was simply reliving why I belived everyone else had done me wrong, only facilitating a victom mentality. I needed to try a differant way.

You Could Call Me A Slow Learner

I jumped into steps 1,2, & 3 headfirst. They seemed so natural and obvious. When step 4 rolled around I thought I would be able to just trudge on through with the same vigor. I began my notebook without hesitation, slowly loosing steam. Much like a new years resolution to loose wight. Buy the cloths, check, find a gym, check, some magazine articles that inspire, check. And by March, I'm warming my favorite spot on the couch again. I learn best when I can break things down, so I'm going to delve into what "Taking a fearless and searching moral inventory" means (for me).

 Fearless

Fearless is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fealess is having fears, but not being afraid to face them. The voice in your heart over powers what you want to think. (Don't hold the Talyor Swift quote against me, it fits). It’s the mastery of fear. The best way to defuse your fear is to step into it—right into the middle of it—and do the thing that you are afraid to do. To abandon your comfort zone and live with more doing rather than just being…this is the primitive basis for being fearless, to do. To…this is the primitive basis for being fearless.

Searching

Thoroughly scrutinizing, especially in a disconcerting way, 

"you have to ask yourselves some searching questions". Words to ponder when "searching" myself, penetrating, piercing, probing, penetrative, keen, shrewd, sharp, intent

Moral

Concerned with the principles of right and wrong behavior and the goodness or badness of human character. a lesson, especially one concerning what is right or prudent, that can be derived from a story, a piece of information, or an experience. Words to ponder when contemplating "moral", lesson, message, meaning, significance, signification, import, point, teaching.

Inventory

A supply of memories, thoughts, feelings that are stored in my minds memory, a complete list of the things that take up space in my heart and mind. A list of traits, preferences, attitudes, interests, or abilities used to evaluate personal characteristics or skills.

If I Hadn't Said Enough Already

Well if step four isn't simple enough to understand (remember, I am slow) than the words form Blue Print For Progress sums it up nicely. " Is a tool for personal growth. We can begin to grow with the courage to look at ourselves as we really are. Many of us have been so obsessed with the behavior of an alcoholic that we have little sense of self. We may have lost sight of our personal goals, no fulfilled our potential, and became too concerned with our attempts to change someone else. Often, our basic good qualities have been hidden by fears and frustrations." 

So, maybe I don't need to start over. Maybe what I really needed was to alter my perspective. to continue with a concentration of myself for a change instead of all the addicts that I have journeyed along with all these years. Back to my notebook I go, but with renewed dedication. Good luck and God bless to all embarking on this step. I'm going to remember I didn't get here overnight and I'm not going to change overnight either. I hope you take what you like and leave the rest.